


Chicken

by quaffanddoff



Series: Give_Satisfaction [7]
Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: First Kiss, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Third Person, Scheming, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21679639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaffanddoff/pseuds/quaffanddoff
Summary: Our heroes play an unspoken game of escalation and daring: make the first move, or chicken out.
Relationships: Reginald Jeeves/Bertram "Bertie" Wooster
Series: Give_Satisfaction [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561192
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	Chicken

“I did not realize you had agreed to help Mr. Bassington-Bassington rehearse for a play, sir.”

“Well, I did, Jeeves, I just didn’t tell you. Bit of a surprise to learn that the y. m. is capable of keeping a few secrets from his man, eh, what?”

“Most shocking, sir.”

“Anyway, this one scene is giving me a frightful pip. If you’ll just read this character, here, like so…”

Bertie opened the play to the relevant page. The two men stood shoulder to shoulder, reading from the slim volume. Jeeves dutifully recited his lines, which, it gradually became apparent, were leading up to the big, climactic, romantic kissing scene. Just as they reached the stage direction that read, _The lovers embrace_ , Jeeves coughed suddenly.

“If you’ll pardon me, sir, I have just remembered a book on acting technique that would be invaluable here. I must retrieve it at once.”

It must have been a dashed difficult book to find, because he did not return from the bookstore for the rest of the evening.

* * *

“This is an especially dire situation, sir. I fear there is only one way left to get Lady Florence to break off your engagement now: you must convince her that you are not interested in marrying any woman at all.”

“Of course, that’s brilliant!" Bertie clutched Jeeves's arm in breathless gratitude. "But hang on, how am I supposed to convince her of that?”

“I believe arranging for her to witness you kissing another man would do the trick, sir," Jeeves said smoothly.

“Golly, oh, er, really?!” Bertie goggled at him. “Well, I suppose you’re right.”

“I am, sir. If you’ll pardon the liberty, I would be willing—"

“Er, finish that thought later, Jeeves, I’m just going to pop down to the Drones and ask old Bingo if he’s available to assist with this scheme, then!”

“…Very good, sir.”

* * *

Bertie elbowed Jeeves and pointed upwards. “What d'you know?” he smirked. “Mistletoe.”

Many such sprigs were installed in various inconspicuous locations throughout the flat. Bertie had done a really extraordinarily thorough job with these decorations, especially considering that he wasn’t even throwing a Christmas party this year.

Jeeves glanced up, unmoved. “That is actually holly, sir, known to botanists as _Ilex_ , a deciduous flowering plant which constitutes the only genus of the family Aquifoliaceae. The two are often confused, but can be easily differentiated by the bright red berries produced by the female _Ilex_ plant, sir.”

With that, he shimmered away, leaving a disappointed Bertie alone beneath the holly.

* * *

“Happy new year!” Bertie cried, raising a glass of champagne.

“Happy new year, sir.” Their glasses clinked.

All around them in the grand ballroom, couples embraced as the clock struck midnight. Each pair was wrapped up in themselves, totally oblivious to the outside world. Rather than taking a drink, Jeeves looked at Bertie with a glint in his eye.

Bertie gulped. Jeeves drew closer.

Bertie raised the noisemaker to his lips, and with an ear-splitting _HONNNK!_ , the paper horn unfurled, bopping Jeeves on the nose.

* * *

The sound of a crash pulled Jeeves from the kitchen into the dining room. His employer lay writhing on the floor, looking stricken and panicked. He was clutching at his throat frantically. Jeeves rushed over to his master. “Sir! What is the matter?”

Bertie coughed hoarsely but appeared to be unable to speak. His face was turning red. 

“Are you choking, sir?”

Bertie nodded desperately. “C…P…R!” he managed to gasp.

“Actually, sir, mouth-to-mouth cardiopulmonary resuscitation is performed only in the instance of cardiac arrest. For airway obstruction of a conscious victim, application of the Heimlich maneuver is the appropriate technique.”

Jeeves pulled Bertie to his feet, wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, and thrust sharply into his diaphragm. 

“OOF!”

* * *

“I say, Jeeves, would you bring me a gasper?”

“I’m sorry to say we are out, sir. This is the last,” Jeeves said, gesturing apologetically with his nearly-finished cigarette.

“Oh, blast. I was really looking forward to a quick smoke.”

“A solution presents itself, sir. Are you familiar with the term ‘shotgun’ as it relates to smoking?”

“No, what’s that?”

“It is a method by which two people may smoke from the same cigarette, sir. Allow me to demonstrate.” Jeeves took a deep inhale of his gasper and held the smoke in his lungs. He walked slowly toward Bertie. Their eyes locked. He moved closer. And closer. He leaned in. 

Bertie’s mouth had fallen open in shock.

At the last second, Bertie jumped back with a squeak. “You know, I think I’ll just go replenish our supply! I fancy the walk! Anyway! Toodle-pip!”

Jeeves exhaled, the puff of smoke dissipating into the now-empty room.

* * *

Bertie waited until Jeeves came back in the room to begin playing his new sheet music. He sang:

_Music is a language lovers understand  
Melody and romance wander hand in hand  
Cupid never fails assisted by a band  
So if you have something sweet to tell him  
Say it with music! Beautiful music!_

_There's a tender message deep down in my heart  
Something you should know, but how am I to start?  
Sentimental speeches never could impart  
Just exactly what I want to tell you_

_Somehow they'd rather be kissed  
To the strains of Chopin or Liszt  
A melody mellow  
Played on a cello  
Helps mister Cupid along  
So say it with a beautiful song!_

“What did you think of that song, Jeeves?” Bertie called when the last note finally stopped ringing. 

Jeeves removed the cotton plugs from his ears. “Pardon me, sir—did you say something?”

* * *

Jeeves walked slowly through the darkened flat, a curiously blank expression on his face. He moved as if ensnared in a trance. He opened the door to Bertie’s bedroom and stepped inside.

Bertie jolted awake at the sound. He made out the form of his manservant standing there in his dressing gown in the dark, as if it were nothing unusual. They stared at each other in silence for a long while.

Finally, Bertie spoke. “Er. Hallo there, Jeeves. What are you doing?”

“Sleepwalking, sir.”

“Oh, is that right? Jolly good.”

The silence stretched on a bit.

“Er, Jeeves?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Why did you sleepwalk into my bedroom?”

“I’m dreaming, sir.”

“Having a good dream, then, are you?”

“It could be better, sir.

“Could it? How’s that?”

“Like this, sir.” He strode to the bed, leaned down, and kissed Bertie right on the lips. 

When they finally disengaged, Bertie looked dazed. “You know, I’m having a most wonderful dream right now, myself.”

“Is that so, sir?”

“Oh, yes.” Bertie pulled down the corner of the sheet and patted the bed next to him. “Come here and I’ll tell you all about it.” He grinned. “Unless, of course, you’re chicken.”


End file.
